But not really. I’ve been a bit stumped lately after a trip to the “big city” near me. It was invigorating yet melancholy in ways that I am still sorting out but then… what about my life, in the way that I express it, isn’t a bit melancholy these days?
I feel as if I am drifting away from everyone and everything I know. I try to reach out and stay in contact with people I am close to but… sometimes many hours or many days go by without hearing from “home”. That’s not to blame myself or anyone else, really, it’s just fact. There’s a reason “out of sight, out of mind” is a phrase that continues to get a fair amount of usage.
That said, it’s not like I haven’t been busy. I’ve been fielding photography requests left and right. This is good. I’ve been doing work that makes me feel happy with my efforts but moreso for the many children I get to interact with and (hopefully) make a difference in their lives on a daily basis. When I’m not doing that, I explore this new place with my camera.
So, here is some of that exploration, as it gives me a bit of life.
On the other side of that coin, though, I need to elaborate on my earlier post today. It appears, that two days after I wrote a post extolling the virtues of Frightened Rabbit and how their music helped me survive the last time I was thisclose, the man behind it all (most likely) took his own life.
Having this happen (once again) for a (different) person that I thought had it figured out is making it more difficult for me to continue “recovery” apace. In all honesty, there are conclusions I’ve reached and thoughts that are embedded that even the beauty above can’t undo.
It sucks. But it’s my reality. No one else has to live it but me so…. yeah. Anyway, at my lowest of lows, when I’m drunk and drugged beyond words, sometimes I will put this song on to convince myself that I will, indeed, save suicide for another year.