A dream journal

I had another dream about you last night and I want to jot it down before I forget it. A lot went on and I know I wish I had been able to sleep longer to stay in that dream world but I’m anxious to get the larger bits down so…. here.

In the dream I was with many of my/our WI friends in a hallway of some official building. It would certainly be easy to think it was the courthouse considering the current situation but I’ve tried to resist making anything definitive about it in my mind. You walked over to us where I stood facing the group who were leaning against the wall. We were having a quiet, seemingly somber discussion as you came up.

You gave them that semi-smirk/smile/shrug thing you do when you’re slightly embarrassed or admitting that you’re in the wrong on something as you said, semi-brightly “Hey guys”. The words hung in the air for a minute and you went in to give hugs to people.

This part was rough: some declined while others gave a quick, half-hearted hug. Then you started to speak. You apologized saying you were sorry for how everything went down but you still weren’t speaking to me. I was just…. there. In the background. An awkward, long silence hung in the air.

Finally, I spoke. It was something to the effect of thanking you for your apology but it didn’t change what happened. Then one friend interrupted me, “wait”, she said. “They missed you. That’s the part that you don’t know.” I was briefly stunned.

That’s when you turned to me, looked down at the ground in that sheepish way you would sometimes do, very rarely but I remember it clearly, and spoke again. “Yeah… I missed you. I miss my Bill. Somewhere I lost my Bill.”

In recalling this moment from the dream I find myself leaning back from the keyboard and looking out the window, contemplating what happened next, but the thing is: I don’t know what action occurred after that besides also leaning back in the dream and pausing.

From somewhere there was music and I recognized your voice. It was a song about the split. As the song ended, it was my turn to stare at the floor. The friend spoke up again:

“There’s one more verse, Bill.”

You quickly jumped in and said that there was, indeed, more to the song. You paused, awkwardly bit your lower lip, then your thumbnail, shrugged, mumbled a “fuck it” and then began to sing the unrecorded verse a cappella.

“I lost my Bill/my will/and I don’t know where to go”… and then I woke up because it’s a new day here and I had get to work on it but in that and this moment, my heart wants to work on another project.

Idk… idk… idk. Sigh.