“I’m working on my backwards walk….”

This one is going to be some of the same and some not so much… maybe. I knew this was going to be a weird period of time for me, these last couple of weeks. Today is the first day that we could have officially been divorced but we couldn’t even get together on that piece. So, more time, another anxious build up when a random date on the calendar looms in the background of my days that are attempting to be filled by something that others might call “living”.

This is ridiculous to me. And exhausting. And a few dozen other feelings that threaten to overwhelm me anew. Hooray. In the middle of the night when all is quiet and I gaze up at mountains and stars I not-quite-whisper to myself “Would it just be easier to “try” again?” The silence thunders back at me.

And yet, this time of year, this calendar date came rushing up to me this evening like a hyperactive 6 year old tugging at my elbow. 10 years ago I arrived in Madison, WI awash in depression and adrift in hopelessness feeling like this place was the only one I could live in for… reasons. As time proves, though, that was wrong.

However, one thing that happened shortly after that move was that I “discovered” 2 new (to me) artists by going out to shows by myself in my new town. As I’m sure it is with many others, the songs inside those artists and their albums suddenly felt exactly like what I sorely wanted to express and couldn’t.

10 years ago, I stumbled upon a free show by a band named Frightened Rabbit. I don’t know if they already knew that they were about to break out but I remember being overcome by the lyrics I heard coming back at me. Though they were just two Scots playing on a terrace in the Midwest, for me, it may as well have been both the most intimate club and the largest stadium.

“You’re the shit and I’m knee deep in it”

So, to circle back on the original reason for posting tonight, in order to try my damnedest to keep calm, I went away to one of the places I feel most at home.

a beach an ocean and a tattered flag

sometimes nature can tear us apart and put us back together again
“If it’s the beaches’ sands you want/Then you will have them”

Goodnight, world.

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