Yeah, for anyone that’s been reading this for awhile now I’m sure you can guess my current state of mind as it’s, roughly, the middle of the night as I write. As much as I really don’t want to think about the things that take up my mind and heart and that I know I need to stop thinking about that specific person (for both our sakes’ if I’m being honest with myself) it doesn’t ever truly stop. And I don’t know how to make it.
I do know that I’ve been able to compartmentalize and even though they and this are always there I still manage to find myself somewhat pleased and occasionally excited about things lately even though there’s still a cavernous drop-off between that and the constant lament that they aren’t around to share in these experiences. I know that this is part of healing but at the same time I’ve learned a thing or two.
One of the biggest things is that all of this hurt isn’t just on one person (myself or my ex) but an accumulation of pain over a 25 year period due to simply not being good/better at what a human relationship of this kind is supposed to be or look and feel like. I still puzzle over how one of my very best friends and I couldn’t make it work but at the same time I say to myself “what does it matter? It didn’t and that’s it.”
And when I say to myself “that’s it” I mean, it’s final. 25 years of managing to somehow screw this thing up is enough for me. I’m so tired, exhausted, and utterly beaten down from breaking my heart over people for so long that I simply can’t afford to do it anymore. “The only way to win is not to play the game.”
So, I’m going to live out my days and I have no idea how, where, or what, but as I’ve said before, I’m done with romance because I just can’t. I know that I can love people. I love my friends like family. I appreciate what others have meant to my life but… romance? I’m just no good at it. Partnership? Not with one person. Maybe with friends.
But as the song says, “I guess I had to find out for myself”….