People I know, love, and trust, were left to agonize wondering if I was even still alive during the worst of it. I had to face questions of why I didn’t go to a hospital or use the resources I’ve advocated that other people utilize but the only (inadequate) answer I have is because I know myself well enough to know that those things just weren’t going to work for me. I needed a jolt. Something to remind me why I matter. So I went in search of it and I’ve found it.
For those who have been following this blog much of this isn’t entirely new information but it’s more for people on that other social media site so they can know what’s up.
On with the show…
I find myself in a much better place, geographically and mentally, since my suicide attempts. For those who don’t know, I tried to kill myself. 9 times to be exact. After the last (failed, obv) attempt I decided it was time to do something to try to live again. So, I did and I have. I’ve found a reason to go on and, in the process, come back to who I really am. Instead of the nervous wreck I had become, predicated on trying to maintain the love of another human being, I live for me and the values that remain part of the very fabric of who I am.
That said, I feel now that my “marriage” was really just a long con that the other person was only interested in maintaining so that they could receive a free ticket to a new life that they wanted for themselves, not as a part of a partnership and all that entails. I’d had evidence of this kind of behavior on their part in the past but I chose to ignore or gloss over it firmly believing that that wasn’t really them, that they were inherently good but misunderstood. So that part (among others) is on me. The ways in which the ending of the “relationship” occurred, to me, were dishonest and dishonorable to both of us.
The thing I’ve learned about those kinds of things, though, is that we have to form a narrative for ourselves to absolve us of guilt. “I’m not the person I used to be” or “I just can’t do X, Y, or Z” or “I thought we were better than this” are all just stories of that type. One day I may be able to fully forgive them for what feels to me to have been pure selfishness and a betrayal of both of our families and friends for the sake of money and material things that others could provide. Today is not that day.
That isn’t to say that I don’t still love the good qualities I saw in that person, some of which I actually experienced while we were together, as friends and partners, but it was very fleeting, in the end. I miss those qualities that earned my love and admiration but I don’t miss the qualities that I saw when we were just friends that made me concerned for them and how they would go on to live. This whole episode only underscores that concern but with each day the distance between us grows and I don’t ever foresee us closing that gap.
So, what today is, is a day I realize that I am far healthier and happier being away from Facebook and them. Because of that I am going to continue to stay away. The truth is that I have had a very kind friend make posts, like this one, on my behalf which is why I have not responded to any comments on previous statuses. I will not be back on FB anytime soon. As one of their own former execs stated, I too believe, that it “exploits a hole in human psychology”. So, I am choosing to no longer participate for the foreseeable future. My account will go dormant again in 72 hours (but I will still be on Messenger if people want to reach me).
However, if you would like to keep tabs on me or are interested in my wanderings and efforts to be true to myself while working hard to make the world a better place you can find me on Instagram. If you would like to follow me there you can message me through FB messenger and I will share my username with you.
For those who have spared a thought for me over this extremely difficult time of disillusionment and shattered faith in another human being and love, overall, I want to thank you. I lived for the opportunity to share my life with another person in partnership but that turned out to not be real. So, instead, I have chosen to give myself over to the world, whatever it may bring, as I try to help in some small way to make the lives of others better. The one biggest lesson I’ve taken away from all this is that I’m no longer afraid of things that held me back before. I amaze myself when I look at the things that occur in each new day. The last three weeks have been transformative in a positive way as much as the previous 6 months were in a negative way. But working to overcome obstacles to help make other peoples’ lives better, and mine by transitive property, has brought me back to myself.
That’s who I am. It’s what I do. Those who know me, know that’s the truth.
We are limitless if we allow ourselves to be. Be selfless. Know your true worth and that you are inspiring someone else even if you don’t feel it.
If you read this whole thing, thank you. I don’t know where my road goes anymore but I know where it isn’t going. Sometimes that’s just as important.
“May your love never end and if you need a friend, there’s a seat here alongside me”