For the first time since my life began to unravel I feel something of gratitude for the lessons it is imparting. Moreso, I am glad I made the decision I did to get to where I am now. I am also indebted to my friend(s) who helped make it happen. The unexpected gratitude, however, is toward my ex. To be sure, there are still many things that bother me about what happened/is happening with us but, for today, anyway, I feel thankful for having had them in my life.
The reason is because if they hadn’t convinced me to challenge myself with going to Istanbul and living somewhere that I knew little about, and even less of the language, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Where I am now is a place that fits my skills and, so far, is nurturing the parts of me that needed care and growth. I am also being challenged while being given the leeway of semi-anonymity. I know I am here to do a job. So far, on that front, so good.
I still think about them but I, today, have a slightly different angle on it. You see, now I realize how woefully prepared and under-developed my goals were when it came to being with them because to be with them it always felt like I needed to be prepared to be apart. While I do think they would like and appreciate the work I am doing here, I don’t think it is their “thing” and clearly I needed more things than to be merely their caddie or administrative assistant.
So, now, we are apart. In all of the senses besides the spaces they still take up for me mentally and emotionally. That may well be forever and that’s still unfortunate (to me anyway) but I still love them and have begun to have some deeper reflections about what they did do *for* me as opposed to the things it felt like they did “to” me. I deeply regret not being how I am now and who I am becoming when I was still with them, though he was rapidly evolving. That said, maybe this isn’t forever. Who can really say? But I certainly feel the changes, a metamorphosis happening, or maybe just the throwing off of the ties (and fears) that bound me for so long. After all, once you’ve failed at the one thing you always thought you’d be good at and had wanted, what really is there left to be afraid of?